knowing less

It’s one of those strange things – you get to do a phd by knowing something about the topic you want to do, and feeling that you can give something new to the topic. And then you start reading and find out just how much you don’t know.

That has been my experience as I read about queer theory. I knew little bits about it, but nothing major, nothing about the structure of it, or the intricacies. It is fascinating, to see the dichotomy between parts of queer theory and LGBT theory, and the potentials for the effects that it might have on the children that it talks about.

I started my phd by being asked to write a review on a book. I read the book, realised I needed to know a lot more about queer theory, and went and READ a lot more on queer theory. Now I need to write the book review. Probably in the next couple of weeks, so that I can send it to my supervisor so he can check I’m not about to disgrace myself hugely.

The more I read, the more I find, and the more I find, the more I want to read. I have a feeling that I could *just* read for the next three years, and I still wouldn’t know enough.

One of my partners is reading Martin Duberman’s diary right now. We were on a long trip at the weekend and she was reading it to me as we drove. It was fascinating, and I may have to actually read it myself when I get some free minutes. But he was talking about a meeting with Diana and ‘Eve’. I asked my partner if it was Eve Sedgwick and she was surprised when she confirmed that it was. I think I moved a point in her estimation, and certainly a point in mine – it suggests to me that my learning IS going in, and that makes me feel better.

I have a goal of 20,000 words by xmas. That feels like an awful lot. it’s 2000 words a week for the next ten weeks. I am ahead however (2000 words in and first goal is friday), and must just keep going so that I don’t slip behind. I would like to ensure that I have something approaching that, at the same time as doing my 1500 book review, and another 2000 words for a literature review for a taught module (which I think will just form a different part of the 20,000 words – perfectly acceptable; recommended even).

One thing that hasn’t changed for me, are my feelings about teaching. I am teaching as part of my studentship. I cannot yet (still) say that I am a fan. Part of it is because I don’t feel that I know enough (about anything) and I’m sure that as my confidence grows it will become easier (and it’s certainly brushing up my stats knowledge) but at present I am still ARGH! about it.

Signing off to go read more…