Today i’m at ‘shut up and write’.
Since my phd changed direction I’m now looking at hate crimes and hate incidents. As i write, and read, I become more aware of putting myself in those positions. The area i live in has the lowest confidence in the police to deal appropriately with attacks and the highest level of attacks (Stonewall 2013). As a genderqueer person I don’t know how I look to most people, although since I shaved my head I’m getting called ‘mate’ significantly more often – until I open my mouth at least. I haven’t yet had any hassle for my appearance, but I’m also aware that due to disability, I don’t go out as much as I used to (3x a week, as opposed to every day).
But before I made some definite social transitions (moving to an androgynous version of my name, shaving my head), I had big fears around how I would be perceived for making any (wearing a binder etc). I remember the first time I wore one in public. I was worried about how that would work out. But of course, no-one is going to comment on a stranger’s chest (outside of ‘standard’ misogynistic comments!) and it went virtually un-noticed. Shaving my head feels like a bigger thing. I did it for charity four years ago (a friend had cancer and chemo took her hair so my partner and I shaved ours at the same time) and got called various things, including ‘cock in a frock’ (original).
This time round, it’s been 3 weeks, and no real comments so far (I couldn’t tell you for sure what the insults from the car going past me and someone else were today – I don’t know if they were aimed at me, or just an idiot with general views to air). Today I feel like I’m out in force in my genderqueerness with a skinny cut tshirt aimed at women, and a binder and shaved head. It feels great. But also anxiety-inducing. As i read the Stonewall report I see where i might fit in those statistics or what might happen. It strengthens my ideas behind the phd; whether or not there is a threat, I am aware that there COULD be a threat, and I feel unsafe within that. My campus does not feel like the safest place to be necessarily (although it doesn’t feel any more unsafe than the street). I want to change that, so that campus IS a safe place.
A queer phd 